Shepard's Death Note
by kokonoseharuka
Summary: A little comedy thing I made- Commander Shepard finds a Death Note, and starts creeping out the crew. Comedy will get slightly dark, so K plus . If you like the fourth wall, I'd recommend you stay away :). Feel free to give any review you want! I'm aiming for about half a page per update.


Commander John Shepard crouched down on the wet grass of an unnamed planet, and picked up the soaked notebook. "Death... Note..." He struggled to read the words- not only was it soaked and discoloured, but the font was just fricking weird. He flipped it open to find a page of rules, then just blank paper.

"Uh, sir, I think we should just continue the mission to stop the Geth... your examining sessions should wait 'til the way back." Offered Garrus. He did this all the time- every discarded weapon, or unexploded grenade, or even an interesting flower- and he had to examine EVERYTHING. He scanned the note with his Omni-Tool, and it went to the magical place where all the resources found on missions seem to go when you scan them with an omni-tool. He had learned long ago not to question the military.

"Let's continue the mission." He said. By the time they arrived at the colony, it was covered in Dragon's Teeth- the Geth had come in, harvested all the humans, and left.

"I guess you could say we... stopped by hedgehogville" said Kaidan.

"That one wasn't even coherent." Muttered Garrus.

They returned to the Normandy, and Shepard went straight to his room. He took the death note, and cradled it in his hand. If only he could read it, he thought. Wait... the anti-soaked-and-discoloured-arisation ray! Why didn't he think of this before? He threw it into the chamber and waited for the gauge to switch from 'Soaked and Discoloured' to 'Not Soaked and Discoloured'. It was a good thing he chose to describe it like that earlier- this incredibly specific ray for an incredibly small user group had come in handy once more. Where would he be without this thing? In the same place but with lots of soaked and discoloured things, that's where. He sat there eagerly like a child god awaiting his human sacrifice on Christmas Morning, and didn't even notice Kaidan standing behind him.

"Good thing we have one of these incredibly specific machines designed for a highly unlikely purpose and an infinitely small user group!" Said Kaidan. "I didn't think we'd have them, since the very concept is frankly ridiculous, but I guess this is the future." He added. Commander Shepard didn't even answer. He just pulled his emergency 'Fourth Wall' Pistol out and shot Kaidan once directly in the heart. He fell to the ground, mouth frothing and eyes bulging. He didn't care about that- he could nearly read this highly sinister and plot-hole creating notebook he found on the floor. DING! The machine finished.

Shepard greedily pulled out the book and devoured it's contents raw- he read _every word_. Shepard had never even read a book before, but this was different. After reading all the rules 'blah blah blah death blah blah blah gods of the aforementioned death blah blah blah blah blah BORING!" He took a nearby space-pen and wrote 'Dear god, please make Miranda Lawson fall in love with me from Shepard.' and waited. A minute later, Miranda was in his cabin, and she confessed her love for him then shot herself in the mouth having achieved her purpose. Commander Shepard was racked with guilt- how would he convince Garrus to clean the floor for him this time? I mean, he usually just promised lemonade or something, but he might even need to go full on Space-Haribo in this situation. Turians were known for their almost disturbing love of Space-Haribo. Space-Haribo was renamed from Haribo when the human government decided to name every noun Space-_. It made them sound more Sci-Fi. He chewed on the nib of his space-pen, deep in thought. He walked out of the room.  
"Help...me..." Came Kaidan's voice. Blood stained his chest, and he looked up to Shepard for help. There was no excuse for WallBreakers- Shepard took out his pistol and shot the begging man in the face, killing him instantly.


End file.
